You make a decision, that you know is good for you. Not reckless and not impulsive, something that feels aligned. Something that, deep down, you know you desperately want.
Maybe it’s saying yes to an opportunity. Maybe it’s setting a boundary. Maybe its choosing change, even though staying where you are would be easier, more safe.
And at first you feel confident, calm and have clarity about your decision. You have excitement about that decision.
And then slowly…. Something else creeps in. A voice that feels familiar, like your own, begins quietly questioning your choices. “What if this goes wrong? What if I’m not ready? What if I fail?” And that’s it. The clarity you felt moments before feels lost in doubt, uncertainty and anxiety. That’s the moment that fear takes hold. Not as something loud and obvious but as something subtle, persuasive and incredibly convincing.
But here is the part that most people don’t realise. Nothing about your situation has actually changed. The opportunity is still the same. Your capability is still the same. All that has now changed, is the story your mind is beginning to tell you about the situation. Because fear is not actually a reaction to what’s happening, it’s a reaction to what your brain thinks might happen.
It’s a prediction system innate within all humans designed to keep us free from harm from potential dangers in the environment. It relies on past experiences and knowledge to make predictions and change your behaviour to keep you safe. It has ensured that our species has survived for many many years. However, it does not distinguish well between a genuine threat to your survival and a threat to your comfort, identity and sense of self control.
When our minds detect potential danger, it triggers a warning system that we all recognise well. Rapidly beating heart, deep and rapid breathing, sweating palms, stomach doing summersaults, possibly shaking as adrenaline courses through our veins. Your body is preparing you to fight the danger or run away from it. And all because of a danger that exists only in possibility, not in reality.
The problem isn’t that fear is present. The problems begin when we begin to believe it. Because when fear feels convincing enough, it doesn’t just direct a single decision. It starts to shape our behaviour quietly and subtly over time. We hesitate where we once felt certain. We delay things that matter to us and we talk ourselves out of opportunities that have the potential to change our lives for the better.
And the more we listen to fear, the more we reinforce its predictions. We teach ourselves that it was something to avoid, that we did keep ourselves safe. So when fear arrives next time, we obey it and relinquish control of our lives to all of the potential dangers that might exist. Until one day we realise we have created a life that feels safe….. but isn’t necessarily fulfilling.
So, if fear is natural and avoiding it only strengthens it… how do we change it?
Not by trying to eliminate it and not feel it. But by changing our relationship with it. In my early days of being a skydiver, I felt the fear consistently and intensely and more often than not, I used fear as a signal that I shouldn’t do what I was about to do. I would run away from a bit of cloud. I would flee from a touch of wind, and I would submit to the voice telling me something bad would happen. And I would get home sad and deflated, watching all my friends’ awesome videos, having such a good time. They didn’t run from the clouds or flee from the wind and they were rewarded because of it. I asked them how they are not scared? and their response was “we are, but we do it anyway”.
And I watched them on the plane when I had bravely made myself go up. Breathing deeply to control their heart rate. Eyes closed visualising the jump positively. Rehearsing their drills, should anything happen. Checking their kit, trusting their kit. They were doing what they could do to minimise the perceived danger. They were feeling the fear, but mentally telling themselves that they have the correct training, they know the right drills and the kit they are wearing is designed to so well that the likelihood of anything bad happening is very slim. Slimmer than if they got in the car to drive home that day. They were processing the perceived dangers, knowing they have the capacity to deal with them.
I also learnt that when you do something, despite every ounce of your being telling you not to do it, the rewards for winning that battle are exponential. Because then the possibilities are endless, and your life and choices are not determined by a set or incorrect predictions that may never have come to fruition. Imagine all of the life experiences we haven’t had because we let fear decide it was too dangerous for us, too scary. Imagine what you could achieve if you let your passions and curiosities be the driving force, not your fears.
It’s sometimes said that skydivers must have no fear of death. And our response is “our fear is not truly living, to the fullest extent. By saying yes when your mind is telling you no”.
So, what will you say?
